Books : American Mania: Breaking the Manic Cycle
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THE RULES OF T.O.M.
(Toward Optimum Mindfulness)
You’ll meet Tom in American Mania. Tom is a smart, engaging, and fun-loving entrepreneur — one of the Fast New World’s workaholic warriors — who wised up, took charge of his life and changed the rules of engagement . . .
...AND BY FOLLOWING TOM’S 4 SIMPLE RULES, YOU CAN TOO!
Tom’s rules are a common sense approach to slowing down and managing TIME, TECHNOLOGY, APPETITE and ACTIVITY by living life to the fullest in the moment that it is happening. Here’s a sampler of Tom’s philosophy:
Rule #1
TIME IS KEY: IT’S YOURS ... SO USE IT WISELY
It’s not scheduling that’s important; it’s making every moment meaningful.
Only by living in the moment are our genuine priorities revealed.
Time is precious. The time that we each have in the world is finite. Time is the only marketable commodity that we truly own. Time is the new money. In “spending” time we offer of ourselves that which others cannot repay, even in gratitude. Thus time is to be cherished, protected and invested wisely.
Our runaway world reminds us of these truths, demanding more time than we have available. This time-pressure squeezes the fun out of life and is a major player in driving stress and discomfort. Because we are competitive creatures, and afraid of the lost opportunity, we have become addicted to “living by the clock”, trying to fit in every demand. It doesn’t work. An overscheduled life is fragmented and disconnected, and not the unfolding experience that builds self-confidence and happiness.
Take family life as an example. Overscheduled family members spend little time with each other. Meals are not eaten together and running the household becomes an individual chore rather than a shared investment. In self-defense family members retreat to their own interests and to the isolation of the technological world, to video games, television, emails, computers, telephones, etc. Soon the home is no longer the family’s refuge from a demanding world but an extension of each individual’s treadmill existence.
When family members are pulled in so many different directions, conflict is inevitable and disintegration of the family unit sets in. In guilty awareness of this parents put aside “quality time” to “share” with the children, who are equally overscheduled. But when the children’s magic moment arrives it is too often torpedoed by a mother delayed in traffic, or a father ensnared at yet another “vital” business dinner. Confusion and anger, rather than warmth and intimacy, is the outcome.
What is needed is genuine priority setting.
“If,” Tom says, “the father of our family were to concentrate during his dinner meeting on evaluating the real benefit of his time investment¾rather than repeatedly looking at his watch, stressed and guilty at not being home with his family — he might conclude that evening engagements are a poor use of his precious time.” Similarly, if the father willingly gives his full concentration when spending time with his son or daughter the need to schedule “quality” time is removed, for every moment becomes one of quality. When life is engaged in the present moment, with uncompromising personal honesty, a genuine set of priorities emerges that makes future planning a natural process. And reciprocally, a clear vision of future goals helps shape the wise investment of time in the present. “Thus mindful awareness of the emotional value of the time we invest,” said Tom, “makes priority setting easier and helps sow the seeds of genuine personal and family happiness.”
Rule #2
YOU’RE THE BOSS
MAKE TECHNOLOGY WORK FOR YOU, NOT VICE-VERSA
Technology is a two edged sword.
Make sure the priorities it serves are yours.
Many communication technologies are first introduced as “time-savers” — cell phones, voice mail, e-mail, online services, and Fax machines, being just a few examples. However if these seductive gadgets are not held consciously in check they can rapidly become instruments of intrusion that actually consume precious personal time, creating more stress than they relieve. And because communications technology now targets the person rather than a place, that intrusion can be relentless, randomly inserting into one’s life the unwanted priorities of others, both day and night.
Through modern technology commerce has the power to overload and addict, producing information far more rapidly than any human being can process it. It is estimated, for example, that the average American is targeted by over three thousand advertising messages each day. (And 25 percent of school children watch Channel 1 advertising in class). So one of Tom’s most important rules of survival at the manic edge is that technology be employed with personal priorities in mind. Only then will technology, rather than intruding as a tyrant, be recast as a valuable tool.
If personal priorities are to prevail, caller identification, unlisted telephone numbers, the screening of calls, private e-mail addresses and simply ignoring incoming information until its review is convenient, must become a way of life. “Fortunately, whereas new information was once rare and usually important, most of what we now receive in the deluge is of little value and can be disregarded,” Tom says. “Given the insatiable curiosity of most human beings, however, ignoring incoming information is no easy task. Mindfulness and setting one’s own priorities can help, but it takes resolve, the support of like-minded friends, and diligent practice to succeed.”
Rule #3
TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR APPETITE FOR FOOD
EAT RESPONSIBLY, AND IN COMPANY
In an affluent society appetite is the gateway to both pleasure and disaster
“The destiny of nations depends upon the manner in which they feed themselves, “ observed Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, the French philosopher and gastronome, in his book The Physiology of Taste, first published in 1825. Fast-forward two centuries and we find that American families are spending more time in the car than they are sitting around the meal table together, while the average time spent eating at MacDonald’s is eleven minutes.
And yet, as any gourmet will advise, the pleasure in eating is found (beyond preparing the meal, which has its own rewards) in savoring the aroma, the taste and the consistency of the food, in eating it slowly and in sharing those experiences with others. So what happened? “Fast food,” says Tom, “has fooled us into thinking that we no longer have time to savor and indulge an appetite for a good meal. Eating anything quickly not only destroys the pleasure, it is also unhealthy.”
The depriving environments in which we evolved offered little opportunity for over-indulgence, and thus we possess few natural internal constraints to eating. When stressed and pressed for time we eat fast — it’s gobble, gulp and go — as if there was no guarantee of ever eating again. But in America tasty food is everywhere and when confronted by such excess we must learn to carefully observe the internal body signals that are available to us.
The internal cues that provide the signal of when the stomach is full are weak. Eating quickly — which happens particularly when one’s appetite is extreme — overwhelms these delicate signals. “We move rapidly from extreme hunger to discomfort,” says Tom, “appreciating none of the pleasures of a healthy appetite.”
Ideally we eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full. That apparently simple task becomes more difficult when one is surrounded by abundance. In such circumstances it is essential to appreciate the internal cues of hunger to prevent the weight gain of excess consumption. “Stay away from fad diets,” Tom says, “and no snacks or sodas between meals. Eat whatever you wish when hungry — and do so for pleasure — but when you have the urge to eat without feeling hungry, then ask yourself why? Is it because the bread smells good in the shop you’ve just passed, or because you are feeling unhappy or anxious? Ask yourself, are you hungry for the bread that first appears on the table in the restaurant, or would you prefer to wait for the fish and vegetables that you have chosen for your main dish?” With few natural limits, either internal or external, when it comes to eating one is necessarily one’s own gatekeeper. No pill can solve the problem. “So the rule is eat slowly and mindfully,” Tom concludes, “tasting everything. Be aware of the qualities of the food you are eating, and eat in the company of others. Then, not only are the delights of a fine meal enjoyed and shared, but also you will be better able to monitor when your satisfaction is complete. Follow these simple rules and you will feel pleased and well served, not cheated, by your appetite.”
Rule #4
HONOR YOUR BODY
Don’t substitute frenzied activity for the joy of routine physical exercise.
For those living life at the manic edge frenzied activity is the norm, but regular physical exercise is consistently lacking especially in those who succumb to stress related disorders. America’s turbocharged business world has few limits and the increased activity it demands is an invitation to the accelerated and disorganizing effect of manic behavior. “I learned that the hard way, from my time as the world’s most frequent flyer,” Tom says, referring to that period of his career when he was an international business consultant. He now considers multitasking — thought by many executives to be a sign of competence and skill — to be a seductive illusion and an inefficient use of time. “We’ve fooled ourselves that the human brain can manage several tasks simultaneously,” Tom said, “whereas what we are really doing is switching attention back and forth between them. That’s not only exhausting, it’s dangerous. So telephoning while driving can kill you — or somebody else — and eating and watching television at the same time is a guaranteed way to get fat.” One activity at a time, mindfully engaged, is Tom’s rule.
In running the daily treadmill of American life physical exercise is frequently neglected. And yet regular physical activity is essential in finding personal balance. Wisely planned and distributed throughout the day, exercise can provide a unifying thread in an otherwise fragmented schedule. Walk to work if possible. If that luxury is denied, as it is to most Americans, then take public transport or park some distance from your workplace to ensure some morning exercise. Driving yourself is the poorest use of time. (And similarly try to avoid driving long distances with small children strapped into confining chairs. We know from animal experiments that the most stressful thing you can do to a young primate is to confine it, and such constraint guarantees that a period of hyperactivity will follow.) While at work get out of the office to meet with others whenever feasible and enjoy the exercise that affords. Take the stairs rather than the elevator. Use every opportunity to exercise during the day and you will need the gym less¾and when you do work out choose the time of the day that best fits your body rhythm.
“Plan travel realistically,” Tom said, “and don’t over-schedule yourself. Then when you are caught in a traffic jam it is not an emergency. Turn on the music, sit back, and enjoy the fact that you don’t have much to do for the next hour. Relax when you can and then when peak performance is demanded, that performance will be efficient and effective.” Tom believes that those who are habitually late are trying to crowd in too much, a habit that serves only to escalate their mania. Similarly, in family life, it was important to seek moderation in scheduling children’s extracurricular sports. Tennis, swimming, hockey, gymnastics, and soccer are not needed every week. Competition is innate, but the thoughtful management of one’s own time is not. Start those lessons in youth, advises Tom, and preferably by example.
“Once you recognize that the merchant is in business to make money for himself — not to make you feel happy — then protecting yourself in our super-charged commercial society turns out to be largely a matter of common sense,” Tom observes. “But without taking time out for reflection, such simple logic can be hard to find. When enjoying the excitement of the casino it’s tough to say no. In my own experience the little things that go on between people are the key to breaking the megalomania. When you pay attention to those, then reconnecting with the real world is easier. Think about it: we have 8,766 hours in a single year and my bet is that few people spend more than an hour each day talking with members of their family, or with people they love. That’s less than five percent of the total time available. Is that prudent when it is in human closeness that true happiness is to be found?”
NOTE: The “Rules of Tom” are abstracted from American Mania: When More is Not Enough, by Peter C. Whybrow, Chapter Nine; “Finding Balance in the Age of the Merchant” (pages 235-263) (Published by WW Norton, January 2005).